My husband died on Good Friday
The neuro-oncologist said he would die, the palliative care team said he would die, then the hospice team said he would die. Soon.
But no matter how prepared we think we are, we aren’t.
This was not the first time we had to address mortality. Six years ago Randy had a lung transplant that saved his life. But 5 years after the transplant he had a seizure that led to a diagnosis of inoperable, incurable brain cancer. So we knew, because the neuro-oncologist told us, that he didn’t have long to live. Many tests and scans, radiology, chemotherapy, but the tumor grew and another tumor appeared and finally, the cancer spread to his spinal column. And suddenly life expectancy was 1-3 months and he was in palliative care mode. So I KNEW he was dying quickly. But despite the passing weeks and months, I sometimes can’t believe it. I mean, how could he just DIE? How could he be GONE?
I can’t seem to accept

Change one thing
Cancer is no joke
More on Christmas

And so this is Christmas
Downtown Alameda

The best find and the worst
This is the kind of thing he did in his spare time.

It’s starting again
She gets them when I’m finished.

Another first
The holiday card I sent this year

Nice guy with a good heart
The reservoir

Symbols and metaphors
This is his ring -he would be so bummed that I didn’t dust the table before I took the photo.

Looking back
Still counting
Might have been a wedding - he always wore a tie for a wedding

He was always cold
Down jacket, fleece throw, electric hoodie on the side

I wanted to live the rest of my life with you
Able to walk, but needing a little support
Do you trust me?
A Christmas party
Another pinprick
Taken with the old point-and-shoot

Happy birthday without you
I often gave him sunflowers for his birthday.

Still forgetting
John Spencer, not everyone’s idea of sexy
No guarantees
A miracle

Things we planned to do
Clean upholstery