I can’t seem to accept

Today as I was standing in the office, looking around for no particular reason, I thought: This would be perfect if Randy were here. After I thought that I literally had to shake my head. Of course, everything would be perfect if Randy were here - everything would be perfect if I were a rockstar. That’s just fantasy. Had I forgotten that he’s dead and never coming back? I don’t understand why these thoughts come into my head. It’s like being smacked - why am I thinking about an impossible thing? It just hurts.