Things we planned to do

I had to take down the shelves he put up so the windows could be replaced.

Before Covid we had mental lists of things we needed to do - the not fun maintenance things that we all put off. All the windows needed to be washed, the windows in the office needed to be replaced, we wanted to tear up the carpet and replace it with hard wood, all kinds of drugs and used needles to be disposed of, the list just went on, as it does for everyone.

These were the kinds of things we used to do on weekends - sleep late, maybe have brunch, and then go out to run errands. But my real estate job had me working some weekend days and my workweek hours were unpredictable so it became harder to find a clear space of time to get things done - which was a good excuse to put things off.

Because of Randy’s compromised immune system, when Covid hit we didn’t go to stores or out to eat and we weren’t sure about having workers in the house. And everything just got harder.

Then Randy had a seizure and was diagnosed with brain cancer and there were hospital stays and medical appointments, radiation, just so many things. There wasn’t a lot of time to get anything done and absolutely no interest in anything that didn’t involve Randy’s health or my job. Then I retired, but by that time Randy didn’t feel well most of the time and I completely gave up on trying to do anything except laundry.

The first month after Randy died there were so many things that had to be done - closing accounts, providing paperwork, taxes, social security, medicare, what seemed like an endless stream of sad tasks that I had to do myself.

Now I’m settling in to retirement by myself and addressing some of those tasks we had put off for years. It’s hard to care, but I’m doing my best. I hired someone to clean the upholstery on a couple of pieces of furniture, Ive arranged for the replacement of the window glass in the office.

And every time I make an improvement or throw something away or move a piece of furniture, I feel like I’m unraveling Randy’s life and erasing him from mine. I feel sad and guilty and sad and angry and sad and frustrated.