Taking a walk

Obviously not my town, not my legs - but I do have shoes sort of like this.

All the “How to Handle Your Grief” materials say this is a good idea because it gets you moving, fresh air, blah, blah. I’ve written here before about how hard it is for me to walk where Randy and I used to walk and how the outdoors just doesn’t have any healing properties for me. I hated camping as a kid and being told to “go outside and play.” I like looking at the ocean from a window, sitting in the sun in my comfy chair.

But last week Erin reported a noise when she drives my car so I took it to a local mechanic, half a mile away. It was pouring down rain, and cold, and I forgot my big umbrella. Fortunately, I usually have at least one smaller umbrella in the car so I was able to walk home without getting drenched. By the time I got there my shoes were wet, my socks were wet, and the hems of my jeans were wet. I changed into sweats, and that was enough exercise for me.

The next day was sunny so I walked to pick up the car - I like to walk when I have someplace to walk to. Webster Street is a small main drag with shops and restaurants and so on. I’ve walked it plenty of times, but not much since Covid, and there are new things now - businesses that failed or moved have been replaced by new businesses. As I walked along in the sun I thought to myself, I could do this - I could walk down here and have breakfast, read the Times, get flowers from the little shop, maybe look in on the farmers’ market on the days it’s open. I could get my nails done - not that I ever get my nails done.

So I picked up the car (embarrassingly, there was nothing wrong with it) and as I drove home I felt a giant wave of sadness wash over me and I cried. Overall, that walk didn’t seem to make me feel better. And then I remembered that it was the 7th - 1 year and 10 months since Randy died, and I felt even sadder.

So, now what do I do? Push myself to go places I don’t particularly want to go? And then feel terrible? The current wisdom is that I’ll feel better if I just do something, create new routines. But that doesn’t seem to be working for me.