The holidays are upon us

Christopher at Thanksgiving dinner many years ago

I went to the grocery store today - I knew I had to go soon or I would be trampled by Thanksgiving shoppers. I had ordered regular groceries to be delivered the next day, but I wanted to buy meat and produce in person.

Erin and I are planning a mini-Thanksgiving together so I bought game hens (that’s what Randy and I had when it was just us), veggies for stuffing, bread, fruit. And it was okay - I was filling a cart as I had not since Randy’s death, but I was okay. I thought about making a pumpkin pie - Randy’s favorite dessert - but it felt too sad to do that.

And then I got in line to check out and I saw all the people picking up their huge fresh turkeys for their extended family Thanksgiving dinners, and I thought - that used to be me, used to be us, shopping together.

So I went home, brought the bags in, put everything away, and I felt like my face was frozen, and like my mind was far away. It’s hard to even imagine celebrating a holiday when Randy won’t be there - what’s the point?

But I’ve learned to just go forward as though what I do matters.