So many reminders

My favorite mug

Some people can’t understand how I can live surrounded by Randy’s things, with reminders of him everywhere I look. But after nearly 28 years together there isn’t much around the house that doesn’t remind me of him. There are things I got rid of right away because they reminded me of his illness, and there are things I can’t look at yet - I haven’t opened his closet to see all the clothes he’ll never wear, for instance. And I’m starting to get rid of things that imply that he might come back - his toothbrush, his toiletries, his horrible old man slippers.

But the striped mug is the first one I grab from the cabinet - Randy painted it for me at one of those paint-your-own-plaster-thing places. The stripes remind me of how steady his hands were and how I loved his eye for color. At the bottom of the mug he painted I Love You so I would see it when I finished my tea. And because many cups of tea would darken the interior so that I couldn’t see the words very well he would periodically soak it with something to remove the stains - something he knew I would never do myself.

And the red box was a joke. Neither of us liked to wrap presents so we would often put gifts into gift bags with tissue paper and a bow - simple and quick. But I teased him about the box - I told him it was pretty lame when he couldn’t even be bothered with a gift bag. The box has been around for years, and it was a running joke - we would each try to be first to get it if we had a Christmas present that might fit in it.

It hurts to think of him and how he isn’t here and it makes me cry, but it also makes me smile. At some point I hope I reach the point where I smile more than I cry. I miss him every day.