Rollercoaster

Randy and his kids on some kind of rollercoaster at Great America

This morning I woke up at around 5 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I read for a while and then went down to feed Missy Cat, went back to bed and tried to sleep. I was really missing Randy and then started into ruminating about all the things that had gone wrong during his illness. I did my little exercise, picturing my I did my best sign, did some calm breathing, and finally fell asleep.

And I dreamt about Randy. This is very unusual - I rarely have dreams with people or conversation in them. (Note: I HATE it when people tell me about their dreams and Randy told me about his all the time.) But there he was in my dream, sitting there, looking worriedly at me. He asked me, Why are you so sad? And I shouted angrily at him, Because you died!

And then later an alarm woke me up and I called into my grief group and I was perfectly fine. And then I showered and went downstairs to get something to eat, and I looked around at the incredibly messy kitchen and I started to cry.

It is exhausting to have all these emotions without warning and in no particular order. Out of control in so many ways.