In my head and my heart

I have been really struggling with how I handled many of the moments of Randy’s health - from the moment of the diagnosis to the moment of his death. According to grief experts, this is common and connected to how much control we tried to have while everything was happening. Once your person is dead you can’t even pretend you have any control - you’re sad, you’re angry, you’re in denial, you suddenly burst into tears, everyone tries to help but no one really can so you feel alone, no part of your life is unchanged.

And it’s exhausting and crazy-making. And so you try to assert what little control you can by blaming yourself, feeling guilt, ruminating about what you should have done, rerunning everything through your mind in a self-destructive loop.

Everyone tells me that I should take it easy on myself, that I did the best I could at the time. And that is true - I listen to them and I tell it to myself. That’s what’s in my head, an intellectual truth. But even as I sit here writing this a part of me says, But you could have done so much better. That’s what’s lurking in some corner of my mind - a feeling that I could have done better. And that’s worse than guilt - it’s shame. I am ashamed to have failed him in so many ways and feeling that someone else would have done a better job. And I have to stop writing because I am overcome and just crying.

Back at the keyboard, I remind myself that none of those thoughts and feelings are true. And I know this is no way to go on, that I need to find a way to move beyond the shame that is only hurting me and doing no one else any good. I hear Randy’s voice telling me, I know you and you’re taking care of me just fine. And I know he was right when he said that. I did do my very best because I loved him more than anything.

I think it’s less painful for me to make this all about how terrible I am than to just sit with the grief. It’s a fact that though Randy’s loss is more painful than anything I’ve ever felt, it had nothing to do with anything I did or didn’t do. He was my best friend and I miss him very much. And that’s all - no need to add any caveats.

So I bought myself a sign from a seller on Etsy. I haven’t decided where to put it yet but I’m hoping that having a physical object will remind me of that truth. Maybe I can visualize it when I’m not home and distract myself from, What if? And, I should have done better.